Sometimes things work in strange ways… Some call it fate, others destiny, maybe “God” or another religious figurehead. This post isn’t about that per-se since I don’t want to cause debates or controversy.
I’ve always had issues while writing about things I try to say not coming across correctly unless I spend way to much time editing, tweaking, etc. A lot of times the most common problem I have is ‘jumping around’. This post will probably be a great example of that since I kind of want my thoughts to flow and really don’t want to spend the time to ‘pretty it up’.
Case in point, a few weeks ago someone I hadn’t talked to in many years sent me a long ass email just trying to ‘catch up’ and I wrote a nice long email back talking about things in my life… a lot of my medical problems, what I went through because of the Cancer and Chemotherapy, loss of family and friends, and a bunch of other random things. The problem was that I had written that email to him after having been awake for about 2+ days straight so I decided I would ‘proof read’ it in the morning before sending it. The problem with that idea is I had already taken a double dose of sleeping pills and accidentally hit the Send button instead. Now, to give him credit, I understand what he did after reading my email would technically fall under “looking out for a friend” but too a point I felt a betrayal because he misunderstood some of what I had written as signs of being suicidal and instead of emailing me back or calling me to just say “Hey, are you ok? Do you need someone to talk to?” he reported me and I was forced to deal with MANY questions about my current mental status (among other things) which really didn’t help me with my depression issues and may have set some of the ‘progress’ I’ve made on my ability to open up to people in my life back a little.
Fast forward to last night: I got a phone call from the above person’s sister. As I stated on Facebook, she was crying hysterically to the point I couldn’t understand anything she was saying (there was a LOT of noise in the background) so her older brother took the phone. He informed me there was a car accident but didn’t really share too many details, we talked for a little bit about his brother’s condition when in mid-sentence I heard some mumbling in the background and he yelled “Amputate his leg… Are you serious?… Wait…” and he hung up the phone. About 3.5 hours later I got another call from the brother telling me that he had passed away from his injuries. I still don’t know the full details of how the accident happened but the first thought I had after the second call is that it may somehow be my fault… (after the doctors figured out I wasn’t suicidal, I was told he got in trouble for ‘wasting their time’ but no clue what kind of ‘trouble’ it was).
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I need to stop talking/thinking about this before my depression kicks into over drive. So, on a lighter note: Sometimes I say or do stupid things that may be viewed as suicidal thoughts or actions (as apparent in the above) and I admit that I’ve dealt with depression most of my life but more so after I stared dealing with Cancer. However, even though I have had suicidal thoughts on rare occasions, they are more in the ‘morbid’ category, like for example driving at night while it’s raining and kind of picturing a ‘what-if’ the car hydroplanes off a bridge as opposed to a “fuck life, I’m going to hang/shoot myself”… Either way, I would NEVER act on any of those kind of thoughts and I definitely would not put anyone else at risk, because I do have enough sense/morals to understand that these thoughts are about how my life is screwed up and no one else deserves to ‘go down with me’. Anyway, yes it was similar talk to this that caused my friend above to do what he did, but the reason I’m pointing it out here is that over the last couple months I’ve been talking to someone, building a nice healthy friendship and she’s saved my life (even if she doesn’t believe it when I tell her) so I just wanted to take this time to not only say “Thank you” but to wish her a Happy Birthday and hope that the sadness above doesn’t cloud her beautiful heart and smile.